Copyright 2000 by Ron Miller. (

Permission is granted for  reproduction of this article provided that:
A. Copyright notice  and this list of provisions is included. Copyright notice to
     be placed prominently at the head of the article. The list of provisions may
     be moved to the end of the article if appropriate for presentation style.
B.  If excerpts are made of the 50 listed items  a minimum of 15
     items are required to be reproduced in order to preserve the satirical
     tone of the original. If additional items are thought of, as I'm sure they 
     will be, please delineate the additional contributions from the original.
C.  No monies are paid to anyone delivering this work for publication
     by any means.  (The author didn't get paid to write it, therefore you
     shouldn't get paid for copying it.)
D. Transmission to pro-gun organizations and gun owners is encouraged.
E. Reformatting to use HTML and other presentation improvements is, of course,
F.  Use by anti-gun organizations will be scrutinized , and if any copyright
     infringement is found,  will be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law.
    After all, laws are for everybody. 

Copyright 2000 by Ron Miller

1. You could get a simple license  from the State for a nominal fee and 
   only have to take a test that any idiot could pass.
   You'd only have to renew it every 10 years for 40 years and maybe 
   retake the test if you move out of state.

2. You could kill and injure people with your gun while drunk and still
   have your lawyer get your gun back because you need it for work.

3. You'd have half the tax burden of the county and State dedicated to
   improving the shooting ranges and facilities. The public agrees
   this is never good enough to suit them and with all the gunowners
   from California moving in, the range capacity will never catch up.
   Lines at the range are always shown on TV with the newsies deploring
   the crowding.

4. You could carry in any State at any time because  carry and 
   possession of your gun is honored nationwide and is considered a
   basic American civil right.

5. You would see commercials on TV pushing the newest, latest guns which
   you could lease for just $25 per month subject to the fine print.

6. You could finance a fancier gun than you can really afford by taking a 5
   year loan with approved credit.

7. You would have a gun safe built into every house. In the upscale
   houses you would have 3 gun safes. Inexpensive houses and mobil homes
   would just have a gunrack by the door.

8. You'd have gun storage lockers at the shopping mall in which to store
   your rifle while shopping. This in order to free your arms for 
   packages. The convenience of the shopper is paramount.

9. You could buy ammunition at the 7-11.
   Full-service station means they'll reload your magazines for you.

10. The news would stop reporting gun accidents unless  more
   than 10 children were killed at one time. Onesy-twosey would only be
   notable in small towns or if Princess Di's bodyguard shot her while
   aiming at paparazzi.

11. If the price of ammunition rose 20% the Federal Government would release
   war reserves of ammo to bring the price back down to the consumer's comfort

   Ammo would carry a 50% tax to finance public shooting ranges.

   Teapot Dome scandal would have been about a lead mine.

12. We'd teach gunsmithing in vocational-education programs.

13. Every 16 year old would be looking forward to the day when he could
     take the family revolver to school. The rich kids would get 
     a high-capacity semi-auto pistol on their 16th birthday and endanger
     everyone when they learn to use it in public.

14. High schools would have large gun lockers to store student's arms
    while they attend classes. Administrators would try to charge for
    the service to discourage teen-age gun carrying to school.

15. Schools would have shooter's education classes to make sure the kids 
    could pass the test. They would show gory films of gunshot wounds.
    The squeamish would throw up.

16. Old people who can hardly see would still be permitted to shoot in
    public because to disarm them would be to damage their self-esteem.
    Familes would wring their hands over holes in the walls and ceiling.

    Occasionally an oldster would fire into a schoolyard when they mistake
    the trigger for the safety. Legislators would refrain from criticizing
    because of the AARP's influence. 

17. Congress would be debating alternative weapons systems for people
    who can't afford their own guns.

18. There would be such a thing as "public weapons" for the masses.

19. Congress would be subsidizing weapons for people too limited in means
    to afford their own.

20. Congress would be willing to float a loan to Colt's in order to ensure
    the survival of an American company against unfair foreign competition.
    (Think "Chrysler")

21. We, except for Ralph Nader,  would dismiss 40,000 deaths and 500,000 
    injuries per year as "the price of freedom."

22. You would have MADS. Mothers Against Drunk Shooters (instead of HCI).
    MADS would conduct a campaign of public education instead of trying to
    use the force of government to prohibit irresponsible drinking and

23. You could rent a gun at any airport if you are over 25 and have a 
    credit card.

24. You would have the fringe-greenies advocating bows and arrows because
    they think gunsmoke is  damaging the environment.

    Al Gore would write a book about the damaging effects of gunsmoke.

    Al Gore would also claim to have been a handloader before his sister
    died in a powder fire.

25. You'd have huge outcry in the Press and Congress over our dependence
    on cheap, imported, foreign ammunition.

26. Ted Kennedy would have shot Mary Jo Kopekne instead. Ted would be
    a few thousand dollars richer (bullet:$0.25 vs car:$3000)

    Ted would stop carrying his own gun and instead,  hire bodyguards
    to carry fully-automatic weapons under their coats for him.

27. You'd have businesses like "Jiffy Gun-Clean"  to make life convenient.         
    But you'd always worry that they might not have gotten the magazine
    fully seated afterwards.

28. You'd have "Classic Gun Events" with parades on public roads as everyone
    with such a classic carries it for all the public to see.

29. You'd have huge eyesores where piles of guns are left to rust in
    the open at "Gun Junk Yards". They would charge you outrageous prices
    to go out back and pick off a hammer or sear which is probably also
    worn out like the one you want to replace. 

30. There would be a booming business and debate about substituting
     non-OEM parts in the gun repair business.

31. You'd have TV news crews going under cover with hidden cameras to 
    ferret out "unscrupulous gun smiths." This story would be "old 
    reliable" and works every year.

32. The Japanese would be trying , and succeeding at taking over the market
     for efficient, reliable high-quality guns.

    The  Koreans would be trying to sneak in at the low end of the market. 

    The Germans would be selling premium brands based on better workmanship,
    longer life, and brand cachet. But their guns would require you to
    take it to a gunsmith every 3 months for a complete tear-down and 
    dimensional inspection at outrageous labor rates.

    The Italians would paint their guns flaming red and they would have 
    a reputation for being finicky.

    The State Department would be applying pressure to get Japan to allow
    more US-built guns into their country.

    The Japanese would resist the US by saying that Japanese shooters 
    have extra-special safety requirements that only Japanese manufacturers
    can meet.

33. You'd have an entire section of the Saturday Coloradoan devoted to 
    ads for new and used guns.

34. You'd have a pair of fun-loving gunsmiths on Public Radio doing a show
    on gun problems. They'd be named "Tap & Rack"

35. There would have been a terrible TV show back in the black & white
    days named "My Mother - The Gun"   It starred Jerry Van Dyke and
    ran just one season.

36. Dean Jones would have made a series of stupid movies starring Herbie
     the Love-Gun. Herbie was an adorable anthropomorphized cheap German 
     Saturday Night Special. Dean Jones would never show his face in
     public  again after these movies.

37. Competition would be carried  on TV all day on Saturdays. The Daytona 500 
    would be round-count instead of miles. There would be speed contests, 
    endurance contests, and off-range marksmanship events.

    NASGUN would create big heroes in the South and extravagant marketing

38. High-schools would paint up a gun in the colors of the opposition
    and charge $.25 for you to swing a sledge hammer at that gun during
    pep rallys. 

39. John Elway would own half the gunstores in the Denver Metro area.

40. Wellington Webb's wife would be carrying the finest English Double
     shotgun money can buy while Wellington has body guards to carry 
     his semi-auto pistols for him.

41. Back in the 1970's during the ammo crisis, Congress would have set
    a maximum cyclic rate for autos and semi autos in order to conserve ammo.

42. After Iraq was pushed out of Kuwait, the national cyclic rate was 
    raised to something all semi-autos can be comfortable with.

43. The Coloradoan would be publishing the locations of range repair work
    every week to be sure no one would be inconvenienced. 

44. The Beachboys would have released some songs about guns:

    "Spring little Cobray gettin' ready to strike..... Spring little
     Cobray with all your might....." 

    "She's real fine my Wonder Nine, she's real fine my Won-der Nine."

    " Fun, fun, fun 'til  Daddy takes her Kel-Tec away......"

45. Letters to editors would be written decrying that all those Soccer Moms
   are lugging .50 cal machine guns around town, wasting ammo and getting
   in everybody's way.

46. Letters to editors would be written responding that putting one's
   beginning driver son or daughter behind a .50 cal would mean that
   the writer's offspring would survive any conflict with lesser
   armed individuals.

47. Al Gore would claim he invented the .50cal cartridge and say he was

48. Cities would be experimenting with electric guns but would be
    surprised to find that people would step in front of them at the 
    range because they were too quiet so no one knew the electric gun
    was there.

49.  President Clinton would demand that electric gun manufacturers
    put a cowbell on each one to prevent senseless accidents.

50. The National Rifle Association would be reduced to selling travel
    insurance for your guns because the rest of society will have seen to
    it that there would be no chance that firearms would ever be banned.